


give me back my heart you wingless thing

by clintbartonswife



Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Based on The Horror and the Wild by The Amazing Devil, Cirilla Fiona Elen Riannon Ships It, Essi is like Jaskier's sister and no one can convince me otherwise, First Kiss, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia is Bad at Feelings, Hurt Jaskier | Dandelion, Hurt/Comfort, Jaskier | Dandelion Has Feelings, Love Confessions, M/M, Post-Episode: S01E06 Rare Species
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:47:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23444971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clintbartonswife/pseuds/clintbartonswife
Summary: Hurt and alone, Jaskier returns to Oxenfurt, to his only friend left, Essi Danvers.Confused wasn't the right word for it exactly - it was more like Geralt’s whole body felt like it was off-axis, screaming for a missing piece.Ciri had noticed his odd behaviour earlier that day, “Are you alright Geralt?”The Witcher had assured her that he was fine, but the familiar feeling of the thread of destiny was pulling at him again, guiding him towards a small town just North of Ard Carraigh.The second they neared the tavern, he knew that fate was playing a cruel trick. Jaskier’s voice rang out, loud and true, melding beautifully with a female’s. The implication was enough to make him want to run away
Relationships: Cirilla Fiona Elen Riannon & Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Cirilla Fiona Elen Riannon & Jaskier | Dandelion, Essi Daven & Jaskier | Dandelion, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion
Comments: 6
Kudos: 276





	give me back my heart you wingless thing

He flees back to Oxenfurt.  
Of course he does, for where else would he go?  
With the vicious words biting at his back, he makes the journey in a few weeks, playing in every tavern along the way with a new determinedness in his eyes and strength in his voice.  
He locks up the pain and tears until he knows he is safe, arriving on Essi’s doorstep with lute in hand and a face that spelt out heartbreak.  


“Oh Jask” she sighed, opening her arms wide, letting the taller man fall into them, the instant love and affection proving too much for him.  
“Missed you” he mumbled, voice thick with tears when he eventually pulled himself together enough to move from the doorway and into her apartment.  
“Well you’ve known I’ve been here for a while, could’ve come to see me whenever you wanted” she replied sassily, the familiar banter relaxing Jaskier.  
“I should have”  
At the morose tone of his voice, Essi raised an eyebrow, crossing her arms.  
“I know that tone - wine or rum?”  
Jaskier let out a shaky laugh, collapsing onto one of her chairs with a small smile, “how about both?”  
“ _Oh_ so it’s one of those”  
He simply huffed, the burning pain in his chest easing slightly as they slipped back into their old ways, a warmth slowly replacing it.  


Essi, a few years younger than Jaskier yet in the same years as him at Oxenfurt, had quickly grown on him throughout their tutelage. The two became fast friends, and Jaskier could say with a confidence that she was the only person in the school whom he didn't try to fuck.  
They had bonded over shitty family relations and their love for music, and within the first few months Jaskier was calling her the little sister he’d never had - a closeness and trust between them that he had never had with anybody before.  


“Here,” Essi said, passing him the bottle of red wine, “I got the good shit out for you”  
“You flatter me” Jaskier grinned, popping the cork off and taking a deep swig. He watched Essi do the same to the rum bottle, burrowing further into her chair as she levelled a surveying stare at him.  
“Who was it this time?” she eventually asked.  
He giggled wetly, eyes blurring with tears as he remembered the words that he was running from, “The Witcher”  
“Jaskier”  
“I know, I know. ‘Witchers don't feel’ and all that bullshit” he took another deep swig before continuing, “But I thought he was different - is different - he, he cared, just not for me”  
Essi frowned as the tears began to fall down his cheeks, though knew better than to interrupt him when he was opening up.  
“Twenty two years, Oczko. I gave him twenty two years of my life, knowing that he didn't love me for most of them, and I was okay - I could deal with it because I thought that I was at least his friend” a bitter laugh escaped him then, his smile turning sharp, “turns out I was even wrong about that. Not only did he not consider me his friend, but I’m apparently a shit-shoveller who’s so bad that if life could give him one blessing, it would be to be rid of me!”  
Essi let out an indignant noise, and Jaskier gestured the hand holding the wine wildly in agreement, “Exactly! So I left. I gave him his wish and I left”  
The blonde took a solidarity sip of her rum, hissing at the sting through her teeth.  
“You deserve better Jask” she said sternly, leaning forwards, “If he didn't want you then bugger him! Stay with me. We can write music together, like we used to. I have a few more weeks of teaching until my contracts done for the season - we could travel again, like the old days”  
The pain in Jaksier’s chest all but diminished, reduced to a bearable ache.  
He was home, safe. He wasn't alone anymore.

Jaskier’s smile widened even further as he danced around Essi, his fingers nimbly moving over the strings of his lute as she sang the ending of the ditty.  
As they finished to roaring applause, the blacksmith in the corner called out, “Play us that new one!”  
“The one of the wild!”  
Essi smirked, nudging Jaskier’s hip as she retrieved a small drum, “Shall we?”  
“We shall”  
The two bowed again, before they both began to play, circling each other with matching enthusiasm. The bard’s smile grew as Essi began to sing, her hand tapping the beat on the drum.  


‘ _You were raised by wolves and voices_  
 _Every night I hear them howling deep beneath your bed_  
 _They said it all comes down to you_ ’  


She passed the singing to Jaskier, who flourished in the limelight.  


‘ _You’re the daughter of silent watching stones_  
 _You watch the stars hurl all their fundaments_  
 _In wonderment, at you and yours, forever asking more_ ’  


This song felt empowering to sing, as if he was announcing his frustration of the Witcher to everybody. His voice joined together in melody with Essi as their music built.  


‘ _You are that space that’s in between every page, every chord and every screen_  
 _You are the driftwood and the rift, you’re the words that I promise I don’t mean_  
 _We’re drunk but drinking (sunk but sinking)_  
 _They thought us blind (we were just blinking)_  
 _All the stones and kings of old will hear us screaming at the cold_ ‘  


They halted their playing, voices carrying the song.  


‘ _Remember me I ask, remember me I sing_  
 _Give me back my heart you wingless thing_ ‘  


As they burst back into song, the tavern cheered, beginning to stomp along to the drum. The overwhelming noise drowned out the sound of the tavern door swinging open, admitting the two new travellers.  


‘ _Think of all the horrors that I_  
 _Promised you I’d bring_  
 _I promise you, they’ll sing of every_  
 _Time you passed your fingers through my hair and called me child_  
 _Witness me, old man, I am the Wild_ ‘  


The two began to dance, weaving about the far end of the tavern, twirling through the people until they had found a table to stand on.  


‘ _You are the son of every dressing up box_  
 _And I am Time itself, I slow to let you play_  
 _I steal the hours and turn the night into day_ ‘  


Jaskier leant down, winking at one of the women sat at the table they were dancing on as Essi sang her part, only coming back up when Essi kicked the back of his leg playfully.  


‘ _Day by day oh lord three things I pray_  
 _That I might understand as best I can_  
 _How bold I was, could be - will be - still am, by god still am_ ‘  


Jaskier allowed his eyes to scan the tavern, taking joy in seeing all the faces singing along. He barely stayed in time as his eyes faltered on an imposing figure sat in the corner, a smaller figure walking over to him, yellow eyes locking with blue.  


‘ _Fret not dear heart, let not them hear_  
 _The mutterings of all your fears, the fluttering of all your wings_  
 _Welcome to the storm, I am thunder_  
 _Welcome to my table, bring your hunger_ ‘  


Communicating with Essi through eye contact alone was something they had learned early on in their friendship, and soon her eyes had found the Witcher.  


‘ _Think of all the horrors that I_  
 _Promised you I’d bring_  
 _I promise you, they’ll sing of every_  
 _Time you passed your fingers through my hair and called me child_  
 _Witness me old man, I am The Wild_ ‘  


She gave Jaskier a small nod, moving to position herself in his line of sight, blocking the Witcher’s view.  


‘ _Remember me, Remember me, Remember me, Remember me_  
 _Remember me I ask. Remember me I sing_ ‘  


He took the next verse as time to desperately figure out what to do, until he realised that he had to do nothing. He was here first. The Witcher should leave if it bothered him. With this new confidence, he nodded at Essi once more and sang with even more passion than before.  


‘ _Think of all the horrors that I_  
 _Promised you I’d bring_  
 _I promise you, they’ll sing of every_  
 _Time you passed your fingers through my hair and called me child_ ‘  


He jumped from the table, Essi close behind, moving through the crowd once again, this time doing a full circuit of the room. Jaskier winked at a few patrons as he passed, making sure that the Witcher could see it - could see that he was unbothered.  


‘ _Witness me old man, I am the_  
 _Think of all the horrors that I_  
 _Promised you I’d bring_  
 _I promise you, they’ll sing of every_  
 _Time you passed your fingers through my hair and called me child_  
 _Witness me, old man, old man, old man, I am the_ ‘  


Finishing with his back against Essi’s, he broke out into a wide grin once again as the tavern applauded once more. She laughed, giving Jaskier a quick hug before collecting their coin with a bow.  
“That’s all for tonight folks, thank you ever so much for being such a wonderful audience” she called, tucking their pay into the pouch on her belt, before grabbing Jaskier’s hand and guiding him over to the bar.  
“Great performance again” the barmaid smiled, passing them their ales and dinner, “haven't seen the tavern this full since last yuletide”  
Jaskier laughed heartily, taking a sip of his ale, “You’re too kind”  
Essi smiled at her, before turning to face Jaskier, voice low.  
“So that's him?”  
“Yep. I don't know who’s with him though. Cant be Yennefer - she’s taller than that”  
Essi scoffed, taking an angry swig of her drink, “I could go over there right now and slap him”  
“Yeah, and hurt your hand? We need that”  
Essi just narrowed her eyes at him playfully, slapping his chest lightly.  
“What’s the plan then?”  
“We were here first” Jaskier shrugged, “If he doesn't like it then he can leave”  
She grinned at him then, lifting her cup up in a cheers, to which Jaskier copied.  
“That’s right. Now, lets eat and then we can go to sleep”  


Their meal was interrupted as a shadow was cast over them, a person looming behind them.  
“Witcher” Jaskier greeted coldly, not looking up from his meal.  
The man ‘hmm’ed in response, making the bard roll his eyes. Giving a quick look to Essi, he turned around, coming face to face with Geralt for the first time in almost a year.  
“We were here first. We are not leaving. You can go if you want”  
He then turned back to his meal, ignoring him until he went away, not realising how tense his shoulders had become until they dropped.  
Essi placed a comforting hand on the back of Jaskier’s neck, rubbing at it until all the tension had gone.  
“You’re ok” she whispered, “We’re ok”

Geralt wouldn't admit it, but he was lonely.  
He had regretted sending Jaskier away with his harsh words, though what he regretted even more was how long it took his to realise it.  
By the time he identified the hollow ache in his chest as loneliness, it was far too late to find the bard - months too late, his tracks long lost on the mountain path - not to mention the war that had begun to rage North, too close to Cintra for Geralt’s comfort. Ciri had to come first.  
So, he pushed his feelings aside, determined to find his child surprise for the first time in his life, a steady urge to protect her pulling at his whole person until he found her, running through the woods and in to each other’s arms.  
The lonely ache faded slightly, though even Ciri’s presence couldn't stop the sharp pain that ran through Geralt’s chest like a dagger whenever he heard a lute, or the suspicious sting of restrained tears when they passed a field of Dandelions.  
It was only within the last few days that the lonely feeling began to grow again, confusion brewing in the White Wolf.  
Confused wasn't the right word for it exactly - it was more like Geralt’s whole body felt like it was off-axis, screaming for a missing piece.  
Ciri had noticed his odd behaviour earlier that day, “Are you alright Geralt?”  
The Witcher had assured her that he was fine, but the familiar feeling of the thread of destiny was pulling at him again, guiding him towards a small town just North of Ard Carraigh.  
The second they neared the tavern, he knew that fate was playing a cruel trick. Jaskier’s voice rang out, loud and true, melding beautifully with a female’s. The implication was enough to make him want to run away, but he could tell Ciri was too tired to travel any further for the night.  
“Are we going in?” Ciri asked, taking Geralt’s hand in hers as they walked away from the stables, “I’m quite hungry”  
Geralt nodded, steeling himself before opening the door, veering off to the corner table almost immediately, eyes resolutely glued to the floor.  


He could feel Ciri’s concerned gaze on the side of his face, so he placed the coins in her hand and gestured for her to go and order the food. Ecstatic with the trust he had just given her, she went over to the bar.  
Geralt made the mistake of looking up, only for a moment, the breath being punched out of his lungs as golden eyes met cornflower blue.  
Within an instant, the longing that Geralt had pushed aside the past year came rushing back, tumbling over Geralt like water poured from a bucket. He wanted, _Melitele_ he wanted his bard back.  
“Geralt?”  
He grunted in response, eyes not moving from the bard, even as the woman moved to stand in front of him, blocking his view.  
He absentmindedly registered a meal being placed in front of him, Ciri sitting down on the bench beside him, following his eyesight.  
“Theyre good” she commented, “I’ve missed music -”  
Her voice trailed off, eyes widening as she caught sight of the bard’s face as he weaved in and out of the crowd, “That’s Jaskier! He played at my birthday feast every year! Geralt we’ve got to say hello!”  
The jealousy that had been brewing beneath his skin as he watched the bard flirt with the patrons dissipated as sudden panic gripped his heart, turning to face Ciri immediately.  
“We cant risk it” He almost growled, “We don't know if we can trust him”  
The Witcher almost flinched as the words came out of his mouth, not believing his own words for a second. Ciri accepted them with a huff, tucking in to her food.  
“He wouldn't turn me in” she eventually said, voice stern, “I _know_ he wouldn't”  
Geralt sighed, taking a large bite of his food, giving him some time to mull over his words, “We cant be sure”  
“Then check”  
He barely restrained a laugh, the little lion cub sounding more like her grandmother by the day.  
“When I’ve finished my dinner, you go to the room. I will talk to him”  
Ciri smiled, spirits back as she returned to her plate with renewed gusto.  


When he approached the bard later, he barely restrained a whimper at the cold greeting, embedded with the barely-there scent of hurt.  
“Witcher”  
Brain scrambling for words he could use to fix the situation, internally reeling from the new knowledge that Jaskier was afraid of him, a hum escaped his lips instead. At that he whipped around, levelling him with a blank stare, eyes void of the affection he was so used to seeing.  
“We were here first. We are not leaving. You can go if you want” he stated coldly, turning back to his food, the blonde next to him giving him a glare before returning her attention to his - Jaskier.  
Geralt didn't know how long he stood there, frozen with disbelief and grief, but he knew he must have left at some point, as here he was stood in front of Ciri.  
“I’ll try again tomorrow”

The next morning Jaskier awoke, Essie’s head resting on his arm.  
The two of them had been sharing beds to save money on their travels, glad to be together again. Of course there were some nights where Essi went home with a local - who had been threatened by Jaskier beforehand - meaning Jaskier had the room to himself.  
Still, the bard never tried to enchant any admirers. He would tell Essi it was because he was finally happy in himself, not needing any praise as he once did. While this was technically true, Jaskier still couldn't fathom the idea of being with anyone, for fear of breaking his heart again, this time to the point of no repair.  
The bard slipped out of the bed, Essi grumbling as she repositioned herself, splaying out on the mattress like a starfish. Jaskier let out an affectionate snort, shaking his head as he put on his boots.  


“Morning Mary” Jaskier grinned, sliding onto the barstool, “Could I get two breakfasts please - oh, and some fresh water if that's alright”  
“Of course darlin’“  
He gave her another smile, watching her retreat to the kitchen.  
“Jaskier?”  
The bard jumped slightly, turning around to face the Witcher, “What do you want?”  
“I-”  
He was cut off by Ciri, rushing past Geralt with a smile, “Jaskier!”  
“Princess!” he gasped, sliding from the bar stool and kneeling, opening his arms for her to rush into, hugging her tightly, “I was so worried when I heard the news about Cintra”  
“It was scary for a little while, but I found Geralt”  
Jaskier smiled at that, “Smart. He’ll keep you safe”  
Ciri nodded, turning around to fix Geralt with a pointed stare.  
“Here’s your breakfasts Bard” Mary called, placing the tray on the bar.  
Jaskier stood back up, grateful for the excuse to leave, “Thanks, love”  
He missed the way Geralt frowned when he noticed the two dishes, simply sending the pair a small smile before he returned to his room, tray in hand.  


“Essi, open up!”  
The blonde opened the door with a disgruntled sigh, expression brightening at the sight of food.  
“You’re a gem” she beamed, ushering him towards the bed.  
Letting out a laugh, he placed the tray in the middle of the bed, sitting cross-legged beside it.  
“What prompted this?” she asked, taking a bite of egg with a raised brow, “Normally I can never get you out of bed this early after a performance”  
Jaskier scoffed teasingly, “Like you’re any better”  
“I am so!” Essi screeched, diving at Jaskier (careful of the food) and landing on him heavily, punching an ‘oof’ out of the man, before beginning to tickle him mercilessly.  
“Ah! By the gods have mercy!” he wheezed, body squirming under her ministrations, “Essi I swear to Melitele!”  
Essi just cackled evilly.

“Why didn't you say anything!” Ciri demanded, crossing her arms.  
Geralt just angrily huffed, moving to walk back to their room, stopping in his place as a small hand wrapped around his wrist.  
“Why did he look sad?”  
“Ciri..” Geralt warned, fists clenching as he tried to force down the emotions that were beginning to bubble below his skin, his mind still stuck on the two breakfasts.  
“Why was he sad Geralt?”  
“We need to leave” he said instead, moving towards the stairs again.  


His footsteps faltered outside Jaskier’s room, happy squeals and laughter drifting through the door and into the hallway. The knife of jealousy stabbed through his heart again, and he found himself frozen to the floor.  
“Oh - you love him”  
He looked to his left, Ciri stood there with a pitying look on her face.  
“I don't love him” Geralt grunted, walking back to their room with far more speed than normal.  
“Yes you do. It’s okay that you do...” she trailed off, levelling him with eyes that felt like they were reading his soul, wise beyond her years, “If you love him then why is he sad? Is it because you left him?”  
“Ciri. Stop”  
“But I don't see why -”  
“ _Ciri_ ”  
His hands were shaking as he tried to buckle up his potion bag, her incessant poking finally pushing him over the edge.  
All the withheld pain and longing crashed into him, the jealousy making his skin burn. Scrunching his eyes shut, he stood still, breathing deeply as he let the emotions wash over him.  
Ciri’s presence at his back made him tense slightly, breaking through his concentration, “I’m sorry - grandma always used to say that I didn't know when to stop”  
Geralt took a few more stabilising breaths before turning to face her, “Don't apologise for being right” he said, avoiding her eyes.  
Ciri frowned at that, confusion clear in her face, “But - why weren't you with him if you love him?”  
Taking a shaky breath - something which had Geralt feeling more vulnerable than he had in years - he sat on the side of the bed, clasping his hands on his lap.  
“I said some things to him, terrible things, and he left. It was nothing he deserved...” Geralt sighed again, wiping his hands over his face, “I was angry - at Yen, at the world - and I let that all out on him”  
They were silent for a few moments, “Did he love you?”  
“I don't know” he laughed, bitterness rising back up his neck, “I don't know”

It wasn't until later that afternoon that Jaskier saw the Witcher again.  
He was in the stables, talking lowly to Roach as he stroked her mane lovingly, Ciri sat just outside picking wildflowers from the grass.  
The familiar yearning took a strong grip of his sternum, squeezing harder the longer he allowed himself to look.  
“Jaskier!” Ciri called, spotting him, “Jaskier come over here!”  
The bard cursed silently, slapping on a smile as the Witcher’s head whipped up at his intrusion.  
“Hello princess”  
She shook her head, leaning closer to him, “When we’re around people we don't trust my name is Fiona” she whispered.  
“Ah, my deepest apologies, my dearest Fiona” he smiled, giving her a deep bow, “Why did you call me over here?”  
At his question, she brightened, offering him a dandelion that she had picked. As he tucked it behind his ear, she gestured for him to lean down again so that she could whisper in his ear, “Geralt really wants to talk to you but he wont ask you himself - I think he’s scared”  
Jaskier almost scoffed at that, pulling away, when she gripped the sleeve of his jacket to keep him in place, “He was really upset this morning. Please just speak to him. Once”  
The bard levelled her with a glare, knowing he was weak to her demands, and sighed, “Very well”  


He took a steadying breath before entering the stables, deciding to lean against the door and just watch Geralt until he was ready to talk. He knew that the Witcher could sense him there, so felt no guilt watching him.  
Jaskier’s eyes followed the Witcher as he finished brushing Roach’s mane, no longer talking to her, until eventually, back still turned, he spoke.  
“Jaskier”  
“Geralt”  
The older man huffed a laugh at that, “Oh, so I’m not ‘Witcher’ anymore?”  
Crossing his arms, Jaskier remained stood where he was, “I didn't know if I was allowed to use your name anymore - Melitele knows you didn't want me in your sight last time we spoke”  
At that Geralt turned around, hurt swimming behind his golden irises.  
“I’m sorry”  
The bard blanched at that, “Excuse me?”  
“I said I’m sorry” he repeated, his fists clenching at his sides as he forced himself to speak, “I know I hurt you - something I swore to myself I wouldn't do - and I sent you away, but Jaskier I missed you so much”  
Jaskier tried to bring up the anger that used to swirl around his soul at the very thought of that conversation, but all he could feel now was the overwhelming longing - so much so that he could hardly breathe.  
Geralt continued, “It took me a while to understand that - that I felt lonely. I- I missed your laugh, your voice, your stupid lute strumming …”  
In that moment Jaskier knew. He knew what Geralt was trying to say and the feeling screamed at him until he moved towards the Witcher, close enough to look into his eyes and drown in the golden pools.  
“Say it” he whispered.  
“But the girl?” he sounded confused, hurt coming through his persona again and Jaskier wanted to laugh at the sheer confoundity of it all.  
“That’s Essi and she’s like my little sister” Jaskier smiled, shaking hands moving to cup Gerlat’s jaw, “Say it”  
“I -I love you”  
Moving faster than he ever had in his life, Jaskier closed the distance between their lips, swallowing Geralt’s noise of surprise eagerly, melting against his hulking form as strong hands settled on his waist, pulling him impossibly closer.  
When he pulled away, chest heaving and lips swollen, he rested his forehead against that of the wolf’s gently.  
“I love you too, my dearest Geralt”

**Author's Note:**

> The song is 'The Horrors and the Wild' by The Amazing Devil (Joey Batey's band)  
> You should all go give the new album a listen if you havent already - their songs are so good!
> 
> Hope everyone is staying safe and sane in quarantine x


End file.
